Paraprosdokian Humour

My mom forwarded this to me today, originally sent as an email to subscribers to the Patriot Post.

I've had one of the most academically rigorous days of my life today, and on top of that seem to be coming down with some kind of flu bug. This was exactly what I needed to keep me going :) 

A "paraprosdokian" is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.

• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
• I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
• We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
• War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening," and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
• Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
• I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.
• A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
• Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."
• I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
• Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
• Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
• The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
• Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
• Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
• There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
• You're never too old to learn something stupid.
• Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
• A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
• If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

My writing style suggests I'm a 66 year old woman?

I'm finally getting settled into the semester (which is fantastic, by the way) and starting to fall into a weekly routine.  The way my classes are set up, I have only one class on Monday and one class on Friday.  This is desirable, because packing the bulk of my courses into a three-day mid-week rush allows me to more efficiently manage my time outside of class with minimum interruptions.  However, my Tues-Weds-Thurs require more of me than is almost humanly possible, leaving me no time to blog during the week.  


Which means that Friday is BLOG DAY!  I sense that the space between is going to be spasmodically updated these next few months, but you can probably expect me to indulge in a blogging spree most Friday nights.  


Now, this is funny.
I happened upon a website that analyzes blogs.  I just entered my blog's URL, and POP! out came a series of pie charts showing the results of a computer analysis of my last twenty-two blog posts.  

MOOD

This is what the computer concluded: 


the space between is probably written by a female somewhere between 66-100 years old. The writing style is personal and happy most of the time.

AGE

I'm rather used to acquaintances over-estimating my age, but 66?  
Tu exagères! 

GERMAN word of the Day

My German friend, Svea, is a Musical Education major studying abroad at Belmont this semester.  Today at lunch she was telling me that she was a little bit nervous about leading vocal warm-ups for her women's choir, as her professor had asked that she prepare one for today.

So she pulled out her prep sheet and was walking me through it.  One of the exercises was labeled "lip chattering."  I inquired as to what that was, and she couldn't describe it, but made the sound.  She meant the thing where you put your lips together and blow air through them.  I couldn't remember if there's an English word for that, but told her to say "flubber" or "blubber" your lips.  hehe

Anyways, I learned that there is a German word for precisely that action.  

It's called Lippenflattern!

Thanks, Svea, for a truly educational moment. :)

Intelligent Fact of the Day: The Bottom Line

Have you ever been in the middle of trying to ease into asking someone a favor, when they interrupt to say, "Just tell me, what's the bottom line?"


Of course you knew that they were really trying to say, Let's not beat around the bush, what do you want?  But did you know where the term, the bottom line, comes from?  Probably not.  Or maybe you do.  I just learned of its origin today, while reading Financial & Managerial Accounting (which, I will assure you, is not my idea of leisure reading - I'm taking two online courses).  The term, the bottom line, actually refers to Net Income, which is the bottom line of the Income Statement.  This figure, along with Gross Profit, are two of the most important figures to determining the health of a company.  Asking for the bottom line is like asking someone, "What's the situation when it's all said and done?"

...And now you can tell your friends 

that this blog has been an enjoyable, 

educational experience :)