3 Formidable Letters

I don't recall if I've yet shared here on NJW my new 4-year plan.   It includes the letters: P, H, and D.  In that order.  As I prep this evening for an upcoming retreat in which I should present a few possible research questions, the magnitude of this decision is looming overhead.

Four years is a long time to spend on a project.  Okay, so if I'm going to do this whole PhD thing, I'm going to do it right. Basically, I have huge expectations. You might call me naive, insane. But I'm not looking for a passable research question that will earn me a title so I can, I don't know, earn a higher salary or something.

I'm looking for a real game changer. A big question. I want to do something that changes the way we see some part of the world.  Something that has potential to be applied in a way that yields real impact for real people.

So..
Exploration and development of scientific methods: yes.
Theoretical contribution: yes.
Become an expert in a field: yes.
But I'm adding another criteria: do something really big. That's just how I roll.

Season of Rest

I've had an increasing sense during this year that now is a season of rest for me:  mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.  After years -- a full decade, actually -- of super-human self-expectations and unsustainable activity levels, I'm coming to a better understanding of what rest really means.  In order to get to this point, I had to rewrite the internal script that told me I'm only worth as much as I can accomplish.  I still haven't figured out how I developed that philosophy, but it doesn't really matter; what matters is that it's been replaced with a healthier script, one fueled by a sense of identity rooted in the truth that I am valuable because of who I am, not because of what I've done. As are you.

With that re-scripting has come a wonderful release, a longed-for freedom to just enjoy and not produce.  Of course I still work.  But with limits.  Healthy limits that allow for ensure renewal and rejuvenation at the end of each day.  Everywhere I turn, people and events keep reminding me that this is the time to reap the rewards of my hard work and truly enjoy them.  For once, I have not argued.  The results are worth sharing.

The Pros and Cons of Unpredictability

I revel in remembering just how excited I was that first time my passport came back with a visa in it just for me: a big sticker with shiny decals and official stamps and authoritative signatures that took up an entire page.  I was giddy with excitement as my family and friends wished me happy travels and sent me along armed with a booklet containing all of their addresses, while they waited at home hoping to receive a post card.  I was completely unafraid of the unfamiliarity that lay ahead, in fact it was the unfamiliarity, newness, and unpredictability of everything that excited me most.  I was leaving everything I had ever known and starting a completely new life.  

This time it's different.  I'm certainly intrigued by the opportunity to work in an embassy and see a country I've long wondered about, but that childlike giddiness isn't there.  Beyond the difference in my perception of what lies ahead, the reality of this trip is different as well.  I don't look at my move to Moscow as "starting anew" in the same way Belgium was.  This time it's a continuance of the life, education, and career I already have. I see this trip in context, and I think that's been making the whole experience seem more predictable, and therefore a little less enthralling, than Belgium.  My trip to Belgium had no context: I had never set foot in Europe, I had no idea what to expect, I had no specific goals (other than to learn French), no real responsibilities, and I went into it with the attitude that I'd just wait and see what happened.  The possibilities seemed endless.

Busy Day

Today has been jam-packed! I've been studying and in meetings since 6:30am, and I'm finally now getting home at 11pm.  Tuesdays are always the busiest, and today was no exception.

12 Reasons to Smile

1. It's the middle of October, and still 80 degrees in Nashville!  I'm soaking it in, and trying not to think about the Moscow winter ahead of me.

2. I've recently rediscovered Fido, the best coffee shop in Nashville.

Pierre Bourdieu Speaks My Language

To those of you who sent kind words of encouragement after my rather flustered thesis post last Friday: Thank you, your thoughts and prayers were much appreciated.

It's Monday. And you know what that means....the craziness starts all over again!  I must say that this weekend I've taken more time off from the books than I have in months. Breakfasting with girl friends on Saturday, kayaking away the beautiful 85-degree afternoon, church and brunch with friends on Sunday, exploring a new park, and then gallivanting around a backyard campfire until 2 am...I'd say I've more than made up for the last few months of seven-day workweeks.

Thesis Committee Meeting

I have my first Thesis Committee meeting this afternoon....it's the first time my whole committee will have met together, and I'll be challenged to defend the development of my research model and provide strong reasoning for the individual variables I'll be testing: Social capital, social norms, and personal financial capital -- all in the context of the formation of entrepreneurial intent.

Just yesterday during a meeting with the Chair of my committee we had a big breakthrough with some new (or rather newly evaluated) network theory research -- I'm so excited about the new direction we're headed. My topic and research interests are so broad that we've had trouble narrowing it down to a very specific research question, but now it's all coming together.  

I'll be looking at how the social networks of young entrepreneurs may predict entrepreneurial intent.  Views and opinions on entrepreneurial pursuits vary widely between my generation and that of the "old Russia;" this is largely a result of the communist ban on entrepreneurship and propaganda which condemned the pursuits of personal capital gain.  With this in mind, and considering that the people whom one value's and with whom one interacts the most, most influence his or her social norms, you can see how it would be interesting to find out what a young Russian entrepreneur's social network looks like.  To throw one more variable in there, I'm going to investigate a potential relationship between personal financial capital (monetary resources that the individual has sole authority over) and the presence of entrepreneurial intent, with regards to the entrepreneur's social network.  

This probably sounds confusing....it is. It's one of those things where sometimes I think I have a complete grasp of the picture, and then I lose it for a second, and then it's back.  I'm still in the process of solidifying the model. 

I'm also finding out, through this thesis-writing process, that I'm not very good at setting aside time to just sit and think.  In fact, I don't ever do that.  My focus is always on produce, produce, produce.....papers, presentations, powerpoints, applications to a plethora of scholarships and study abroad programs.  So now that I'm faced with an academic assignment for which the solution isn't obvious, I'm struggling to force myself to sit down, not DO anything, and just think. 

This process has been so much more demanding than I originally thought, and I can honestly say that I've never been pushed so hard academically.  It helps to have some truly encouraging faculty here.

All I'm hoping for this afternoon is that my whole prospectus isn't torn to shreds, and that a least one small bit of integrity will be found in my model. Wish me luck.

One Step Closer

An email I received this morning brings me one step closer to my life-long dream of working for the U.S. Department of State.

Earlier this summer I applied for an internship in the Bureau of European and Eurasian Affairs for Spring 2011.  I was feeling good about my application until I realized that the Statement of Interest I had spent so much time developing exceeded the word limit by more than 200%.  I had to cut it down from 3 pages to about 3/4 of a page.  I was extraordinarily disappointed; I felt that the full version of my interest statement perfectly expressed my goals, skills, and personality.  After hastily deleting over two-thirds of the document in an attempt to submit my painstakingly prepared application before the deadline, my confidence in my chances of being selected for the program was depleted considerably.

Fast forward two months: It's August and I'm thinking about the school year ahead.  Just two days ago, I was mulling over my options for Russia next spring and feeling stressed by my situation.  It's somewhat of a Catch-22.  I simply don't have the funds to pay the travel and tuition expenses for a semester of studying abroad; I have been unsuccessful at obtaining an internship that might cover those costs; I have relentlessly applied for scholarships but have not been awarded a single cent; and yet I must study abroad during Spring 2011 in order to complete my thesis so that I can return to Belmont and complete certain classes that are only offered in a certain sequence and during certain semesters.  If one little piece of this complex puzzle goes array, I will fail to graduate on time.  It would be an understatement to say that this has been a slightly stressful process.

I finally came to the conclusion that I cannot do this alone.  I told God that if he wants me to go to Russia, then he will have to provide me a means of getting there because as of right now all I have are dead ends.

This morning I sat down to check my email after a dentist appointment that went surprisingly well. (Apparently I have good tooth genes, who knew!?)  I had one new message.  The subject line read: Spring 2011 Russia Internship.  I've applied to hundreds of companies, agencies, and organizations, so emails like this are common and rarely fruitful.  I opened it without a second thought.  It wasn't until my eyes landed on "possible spring 2011 internship with the State Department Mission Russia" that I became riveted to the screen. My jaw dropped and I thought, IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?

Apparently it is. I have a phone interview tomorrow and I am thoroughly excited, to say the least.
Nervous? Perhaps a little. But I know that as soon as I have a chance to talk with the interviewer, the passion that I have for discovering new languages and cultures, for facilitating youth exchange programs, for fighting poverty through small business, for learning about foreign policy and foreign governments....my passion for these issues will come through in my voice and they'll know they picked the right person.

So here I am, one step closer to living the dream of a little 14-year-old girl that decided she would work as a Foreign Service Officer one day. Some dreams do come true, I hope.

So close...

It's crunch time, but hopefully my thesis prospectus will be approved by next Friday. 


Working Title: Social Capital, Personal Financial Capital, and Entrepreneurial Intent in Russia


I just got great news last week: My thesis advisor (without my knowledge) sent my prospectus off to a friend and research colleague.  She reviewed it, was very complimentary of my writing, is intrigued by the project, and has hopped on board!  As it turns out, this woman is one of the leading researchers in my specific field of entrepreneurship -- the one whose work I've built my whole study off of!!!  


I was literally speechless when I was told that she wants to work with me.  We've only had the opportunity to have one phone conference so far, but she's already provided some very valuable insight and I'm so excited to see the project develop!


Stay tuned!

Words

My blog has been getting a lot of attention lately.  It's great because every time I click "Publish" I have this sense of accomplishment that I've created something--thought it up, written it down, made it blogworthy.  It serves as an escape from homework, an indirect procrastination mechanism.  Let me tell you, if you need an excuse to put something off, you really need a blog.  It's this magical thing that "demands" attention.  Because people are going to visit, they're going to want to read something new.  Even if the world is crashing down around you.....you can't let the readers down!


I know, I know.  It's a false sense of urgency.  It's the urgency I should be feeling about the final draft of that thesis prospectus that was due last week.  But some things you just can't rush.  And a thesis prospectus is one of those things.  The thing is, when it's ready, it just flows out.  Like the music that flows out of the end of a conductor's baton.  If you can just wait for the right time, the polished prose will gurgle up out of your brain so fast your fingers won't be able to type fast enough.  But between those wordy extravaganzas I sometimes just want to yell at my professor: "Stop!  Don't make me try to write it now! You're making it worse!  We just need to wait!"  And nobody will believe me, because everyone knows that college students these days don't really want to learn.  But when it all comes out they'll see. They'll see that it just takes time.  All that information - all seventy three of my sources - are rolling around in my head, forming a cohesive plan slowly but surely.  I just hope that my ideas can get their act together in time! 
The end of the semester draws near!